My Gaydar

So, I walk into one of the other department offices here and the
clerk behind the desk starts asking all sorts of questions about my current job
and my last job and whether or not I'm happy where I am.  Without going
into too many details about the Co-Workers From Hell, I told her I do enjoy my
current job and since my last job had the spawn of Satan in the role of 'boss'
that I am, indeed, happy to be where I am now.

I further explained that although I liked a majority of the people in my old
department, I needed a change [to get away from 'Sex Caffeine' for one] and that
change came at the right time.  I also explained that my office mate for
the majority of my time in the old department was guy I call "Fluffy,"
but he'd gotten a contract somewhere else and abandoned ship.  My new
"roomie" was a woman who, despite having a PhD. to exemplify her
intelligence, couldn't log into a computer, use her phone... work quietly
without whining...

To leave her and my old boss was well worth it and I was very happy.  The
clerk looked at me and asked, "Did you know 'Fluffy' is gay?"

*sigh*

You know those times in your life when you're not sure what the
best answer is?  Like if my 4 year old daughter asked me, "Daddy, did
you know the sky is blue?" or if the doorbell rang and some guy said
"Want a free pizza?" [I'm dieting remember]  Some questions just
kind of make your eyes glaze over and you start to lean back hoping that even if
your body can't escape the question, your mind is definitely exiting the room.

"Yes." I replied, "Yes I do know he's gay."

See, in this highly religious, ultra-conservative town most people don't
acknowledge that there are people out there who live different lifestyles than
they do.  I think it's funny when most religious groups focus part of their
lives to evangelism, but fail to recognize differing lifestyles in their own
community, but I digress... and I'll be doing that a lot in this
entry.  

It's these differing lifestyles that religious groups are supposed to reach, but
it's also important to recognize how they live their lives. And personally, I
always thought gay people were easy to spot.

When my wife & I were dating, I met one of her ex-boyfriends at a dinner
party --a good-bye to another one of her friends.  she was going to
Paraguay (or Uruguay
--sometimes it's hard to remember).  After the dinner, as I let my wife
into the car I commented that I thought it was funny that her ex, a fashion
designer, fit the stereotype of the gay fashion maven.  To which she
responded, "He IS gay."  

Yep.

The first time I worked in my old department in 2000, I met 'Princess.' 
Now, Princess is a really nice guy and we get along just fine.  He's a good
confidante and he knows just how far to take any conversation:

Princess - "Well, no luck buying that digital camera yet!"

Me - "Where'd you end up going?"

Princess - "Just over to Future Shop."

Me - "And nothing sparked your interest?"

Princess  - "Not in my price range, no.  But the sales person
kept trying to up-sell me to a $500 camera.  And you know how it is."

Me - "Yup."

Princess - "Cute."

Me - "Yup."

Princess - "Blonde hair..."

Me - "Yup."

Princess - "Blue eyes..."

Me - "Yup."

Princess - "That little bit of stubble..."

Me - "Yu- What?"

Princess gets his name from one of my other old co-workers (from Heaven, not
Hell --for those of you keeping count).  she colour-coordinated the office
keys for everyone and had one separate from the rest --in green.  It was
for the department head's office and was often remarked as the "green for
the queen" key.  Easy to remember --and made funny when the locks were
changed and Princess ended up with the green key.  It remained "green
for the queen."

Upon my return to the department in 2002, Princess was still there, but I was
sharing my office with one of the 2 rookies in the department.  Sex
Caffeine was one, and Fluffy was the other.  Fluffy and I were to be
office-mates.  I first met him across a meeting table and knew immediately
that he was gay.  And to think it took this clerk over 6 months to figure
it out...

Fluffy was "night" compared to Princess' "day." 
Princess is more of a conservative homosexual and, despite being one of the top
dogs of the local Pride Network, hides his sexuality without trying. 
Fluffy on the other hand...  There was a local debate and Fluffy brought
some of his friends to hear this ultra-religious guy speak on the issues of
homosexuality.  He insisted I come along too --to which my old boss
commented that I was an honorary member of the "rainbow brigade."

Not that I was the only honorary member of the 'rainbow brigade' in the department.  There was one guy who is a very close friend of Princess'... he kept insisting for me to know what a true homosexual was, I needed to sit down and watch "Withnail & I."  To this day, he'll follow me into stairwells and start shouting "Boy! Boy!  come here boy!" which is only funny if you've seen the movie.  Ahhh, it's still not that funny.  As it is, both Princess and Fluffy are convinced he's a straight guy who is pretty damn curious to see what a homosexual experience is like.  That comment only makes me nervous when he asks me now to "spot him" in the weight room...

There was an old man asking all sorts of odd questions about homosexuality
and how they practice sex.  Do they lie with each other, do they just masturbate
in front of one another, who kneels?  All sorts of strange questions, to
which Fluffy stood up and shouted, "Oh honey, just try it once and get it
over with!!"

Why me...

People in my church now acknowledge that I know a fair share of gay men and
women and some question whether I should work so closely with them. 
"It's not like it rubs off on you!" I respond (and then usually giggle
because I know what Fluffy would say).

My gay-dar is in working order, that's for sure.  I can spot 'em quick
(apparently even faster than my wife since she went out with 2 gay men in her
life.  Hello?  Actually to be fair --one hasn't come out of the closet
yet, but I make sure I encourage him whenever I see him).  But being able
to spot them means that people ask me questions about homosexuals, especially
with the current issues about same-sex marriage.  Yes, I know gay people.

Do I accept the gay lifestyle?

No.  Why?

I'm not gay.