My In-Laws

So, here's the thing with my in-laws.  They're great people, they really
are.  They just have a son-in-law they can't or don't understand. 
He's a foreign concept to their world.

So much so that I can barely stand them and our trip to the U.S. East Coast in
1999 was testament to how I feel about them.

The entire family is incredibly indecisive and it's difficult for me (who rarely
waffles on anything) to comprehend how they can debate (poorly) anything they
need to do.

Case in point - Sunday lunch:  It's a semi-regular thing to go for lunch on
Sunday and they discuss which restaurant they'd like to go to.  There are 2
that they usually prefer going to, but they discuss and wonder which one suits
them that day.  I'll walk up and they'll ask me how I feel about lunch and
I'll simply say, "We're going here."  And that's good by them.  Of
course, it means I come off as incredibly bossy, but someone's gotta do it.

When we traveled to the East Coast (Maryland, Washington D.C., Pennsylvania
(with a side-trip by a few of us to New York) in 1999, I learned first-hand just
how indecisive the family was.  No, no.  It's not just the parents,
but both brothers and my wife.  Indecisive to a fault.  There were a
number of little things that kept the family busy, such as walking through
Washington DC and not being able to decide whether to visit the Smithsonian or
not.  "When are you going to see it again?" I asked.  Or the walk from
the Capitol building to the Lincoln Memorial.  "Why do that?" they'd ask
and I'd respond, "Because it's good to see both."  And while we were
walking to the Lincoln memorial, the Japanese Prime Minister left in the
presidential helicopter.  Everyone left the memorial to see and I managed
to take the video camera into the memorial and look around with no one else
inside.  Beautiful.

The worst was in Baltimore, though, on the last day of the trip.  We were
going down to the pier (which if you haven't been to Baltimore is quite touristy
and has several cool stores located along the promenade including a Hard Rock
Cafe and a Discovery Channel store).  We walked out of the car park and I
saw the pier to the right.  I started walking towards the pier and when I
got to the crosswalk, I looked back and realized none of them had moved an inch. 
So... I walked back and asked them what they were doing.  "We need to get
our bearings to get to the pier." My father-in-law said.  "It's that way."
I said, pointing behind me --where I had been going not a minute earlier. 
"Well, let's get our bearings first" said my mother-in-law.  They proceeded
to walk the opposite way towards downtown Baltimore.  "But it's right
there!" I said.  They wanted to find an information centre to get
information on the pier.  I commented, "Maybe there's one right there... AT
THE PIER!"  Nothing.  They continued walking.  My wife stopped
when she realized I wasn't walking with them and asked me what I was doing. 
I told her, "I'm going to the pier --RIGHT THERE-- and I'll wait for you in that
mall ON THE PIER.  Once you and your family figure out where the pier
--THAT PIER RIGHT THERE-- is, you come and get me.  Two and a half hours
later I discovered that they'd walked around the car-park, made 2 lefts and
entered the pier a block south of where I was sitting.  They never bothered
to come get me, had lunch, and shopped while I decided I go on my own and visit
the places I wanted to see.  They hated me the rest of the day.  They
couldn't understand how I'd managed to find my way around so easily. 

Guh!

My younger brother-in-law is also indecisive and asks me for help on a number of
occasions.  I still whack him on the head every once in a while after he
suddenly got married in Vegas one year and followed that with a quick 3-month
separation and divorce.

My older brother-in-law married a woman just as indecisive as he is to the point
that if you call them, they can't decide whether to answer the phone.  They
have caller-ID and when I called to tell them they had a nephew, they didn't
answer.  I left a message and proceeded to my next call.  When I
finished that call, there was a message from them: "Call us back."  I never
did.  They knew I was calling but couldn't bear to pick up the phone. 
Screw 'em.

These days, after doctor's orders to have a glass of wine a day, my in-laws'
biggest concern about me is my rampant alcoholism.

One.

Glass.

Of wine.

A day.

Rampant Alcoholism.

I try to talk to them as little as possible these days.

To make matters even more.... interesting, they hate my parents because they do
some foolish things every once in a while (well, okay... often).  Good or
bad, at least they're making decisions about things!!