My First Love

Reminiscing about the past has always been something I'm good at, especially
when I'm not particularly fond of the present.  Today it's because I'm
sick. My co-workers from Hell  are also sick and they joked that it was
from 'making out' with me... I blamed it on a couple of the female athletes and
their trainer because they're hot.  And sick too.

Whatever.  I'm not feeling well and I hate feeling this way and so my brain
stops functioning on present time and focuses on the past.  The past when,
apparently, I also didn't have the ability to type and this is taking forever to
type and correct.  Even the spell check is coming back with the wrong
results --the computer's way of saying "I don't know what the Hell you're
trying to say!"

Anyway, to the past and to one of my favourites.  

My First Love can actually be named by her first name anyway and I think of her
every time I hear of someone named Brenda. It's been at least 14 years since I
last saw her, maybe longer but 1990 sounds about right. It's been 18 years since
the first time I met her and I can still remember what she was wearing and how
she smelled that night.  Calvin Klein's Obsession and it couldn't be more
appropriate.

I was 14 at the time and at a dance put on by the youth group I was in. I saw
these 2 girls look at me and one of them pointed.  I was nothing to look
at, so I was a little disconcerted to see people pointing at me.  My
initial reaction is to find a corner to hide in and check the fly on my
pants.  It wasn't until years later (one of the last times saw the two of
them) that I discovered the reason why.  Brenda's friend had used the
zipper on my pants to light a match for her cigarette a few months earlier at a
similar function.  I'd been sitting out on the steps of the dance hall
feeling sorry for myself about something and she asked me if I had a lighter. I
didn't (having smoked all of 3 cigarettes in my life) so she asked to use my
zipper instead.  She put the match in her mouth and leaned in to light
it.  It didn't work the first time, but I wasn't complaining. A 14 year old
boy has a woman doing close to an obscene act upon you and there ain't gonna be
no whinin'!

So, that's how she knew me.  I got that a lot in the early 90s.  Other
people I hung out with started reminiscing about how we all met and not one of
them had made enough of an impression on me that I could remember meeting
them.  One girl said that we'd met in 1989 at Cultus Lake when I was
running along the highway.  My sister had driven away from the camp we were
at and within minutes traffic was backed up because of an accident. I initially
had a feeling my sister had been hurt and dashed down the highway to see if
there was anything wrong.  Apparently this girl was in a van in the line-up
and someone else in the van recognized me but wasn't sure why I was running full
bore down the highway.  That had always stuck in her mind and that was my
first impression to her.  To me, she just phased in to the group of friends
I had at the time. My sister actually witnessed the accident and was the first
on the scene.

Back to Brenda.  It was at a dance and she and her friend approached and
asked me to dance. I ended up dancing with them for the rest of the night --the
two of them hanging off me and teasing me by removing my tie and shoes and then
trying to take my shirt and pants off.  I had a great time and it wasn't
until they'd left that I realized my big mistake.

I didn't know her name.

After all that it never occurred to me to ask --I was preoccupied.

I went to every function I could all summer just to see her again and every one
I went to she didn't show.  I was all over the place: Richmond, Vancouver,
Maple Ridge... even went to the Okanagan one weekend just in case.  But she
wasn't there.

I gave up.  I was upset but it was so frustrating going to all these things
and looking for that one girl and not finding her anywhere that I just gave
up.  And sure enough the one thing I didn't go to she was there.

It was about a month later that we were both together again and we hit it off
exactly as before if not better.  I finally learned her name and was elated
with how well we talked and got to know each other, but then she had to leave
early.  but now I knew where she lived and how often I'd get to see her. I
was almost 15 when we'd race towards one another just hold onto one another for
as long as we could.  We started seeing each other off and on for the next
few years and I still regret not asking her to my prom.  she'd started
seeing a much-older friend of mine just beforehand and I was too upset with her
and didn't want to talk.  It would have been a great time if I'd asked
her.  In reality, it was one of the worst nights of my life. But that's a
story for another day.

It was actually late in 1990 when we were last together.  It was in
Victoria and I hadn't expected to see her there.  She showed up at my hotel
room door on the Saturday afternoon and I was so out of it, not having slept
since Thursday.  One of the rules we had in our group was that if any girls
were coming to your hotel room, the door must remain open. I remember putting something
under the door to keep it open, but it didn't matter and the door soon
shut.  We stayed in my room for the rest of the afternoon and then went to
the dinner and dance afterwards.  Her friend was there too and the three of
us headed back to my room afterward.  That was the same night I met Brad
Roberts of the Crash
Test Dummies, but that wasn't very memorable.  He just asked why there
were all these kids (we still were --I was 17 turning 42) were dressed up so
nicely in October.  After we'd been at the dance for a while and
disappeared back up to my room, we talked for a few hours.  Brenda's friend
wanted to go, but Brenda insisted on staying.  She started crying after her
friend left and I found out they'd been fighting for quite sometime --about
me.  Really strange territory for me, for sure.  That's when I finally
found out why they'd approached that first night years earlier.  As it was
we ended up talking until about 4 in the morning and fell asleep in each others
arms.  My roommates had all snuck at some point during the night and I'm
sure they were all more than a little surprised to see me there with
Brenda.  None of my roommates knew who she was before.  The next
morning she snuck off to her room and I awoke to a sudden and very loud knock at
the door.  It was the guy we all referred to as 'Dad' and Dad was more than
a little curious to know how long Brenda had been in my room.  I could
never lie to Dad, and not just because he towered above me in height and could
most likely crush me with his bare hands if he were ever so inclined. Dad always
just epitomized trust and respect and there was no way you could look in the
face and say anything but the truth.  He asked and I replied, "All
night."  I hadn't even thought about the door rule and I brought it
up. He waved me off with a sweep of his hand and asked why the two girls had
been fighting that night I told him and admitted I was quite surprised when I
learned the truth too.  He smiled and said thanks and that he'd see me for
breakfast in an hour.  Brenda wasn't at the breakfast and it would be 2
years until I saw her again.  

This time, 1992, I was getting closer and closer to wrapping up my involvement
with the youth group (although it wasn't actually until 1994 when I left for
good).  She'd come out to see me because it was a special night for me and
she knew it must be getting close to the time I'd be leaving.  My
girlfriend at the time refused to even come out to the event, but I was more
than happy to see Brenda again.  We spent the night together, but this time
it was simply holding each other as we curled up in a big chair in my parents'
basement.  It was a quiet way of saying goodbye knowing that we'd drifted
far enough apart that there was no turning back no matter how much we both felt
like giving it another try.  That was the last time we were together, but I
know my father and hers still keep in touch.  I hear stories every once in
a while.  She was dating the brother of a friend of mine back in '92 and
apparently they're still together.  No kids, but a couple of pets.

In 1987 on a spring night, I saw the girl 'd fall in love with for the first
time. She wore a black dress that hugged her closely and a black top that fell
gracefully off her shoulders. She smelled like flowers even in that smoking room
and her hands always shook a little whenever I held them.  Or maybe it was
mine for being so excited to have a wonderful person in my life.

And I'm sure she's still wonderful now.