My Bad Dream

"Well, this is it This is great This is what I always
wanted Where do we go from here? That’s the question of the year I think
you’re fine I think you’re hot This is what I always dreamed of The one
thing I forgot Was to get to know you."

   --Stroke 9, 'Do It Again'

Last night was the first night in long time I can remember having a dream. 
I'm sure I dream most nights, but nothing usually sticks around by the time I
stumble and scratch my way to the kitchen in the early hours of the day. Last
night's dream, I'll admit, was about Sex Caffeine.

But instead of my usual dreams about her (you can imagine), I had an annoying
dream about her. And it all stemmed from yesterday after I'd just posted My
Game of Cat and Mouse.

The timing for posting couldn't have been better.  I was talking to Alberta
about a healthy cookie recipe she has and glanced down towards the coffee shop.
Just coming out of the doors was SC and a co-worker of mine from 5 years ago.
She's the one who made me blush when she asked me who I'm sleeping with ('My
Bad' - December 16, 2003).

My initial reaction to seeing SC was just to look away.  I could see that
she saw me after 'Blush Factor 9' pointed to me down the hallway.  I looked
away before she could wave, but I could tell she was going to.  I just
continued with my conversation with Alberta, though. My next reaction was,
"Wow. She didn't come down to stop by... should I be upset?"  I
wasn't.  A few months back?  Yes.  Now, no.  This is
healthy. I think. The third and final reaction was 'would Blush Factor 9 share
the story of my flustered reaction to her question back in December?'

But I'm so glad I got my last post out beforehand.

So last night's dream had SC in it.  It was here at work and she called me
up to her office for a meeting.  I can't remember what the meeting was
about, but I didn't know who there other people were.  whatever the meeting
was about --in the grand tradition of meetings-- we got off on a tangent and I
felt like I was wasting my time.  I was busy and had to run across campus a
few times, but kept coming back to the meeting.  At one point, the most
memorable part of the dream, the subject talked about annoying and aggravating
jobs people have had.  One of the people present turned to SC and asked
"didn't you have a really bad job here for a about a year?"  That
made SC blush and look to me and I responded with a semi-disgusted sneering
smile that read 'nice. Is this why I'm here?'  With that I walked away.

And then I woke up.

So what do I think it means? One thing I've come to accept is that I've always
imagined a relationship with SC to be perfect. And I should know better than
that.  I'm a guy, so that means I'm allowed to be a dumb-ass about these
things too, right? To me, the other people at the meeting represent SC's friends
who are unknown to me. I think this comes from seeing her with someone I've
known for years and they've obviously just come from having coffee together. I
see her associating with people who have known me for a long time and wonder if
anything's ever said about what happened between us ('us' being SC & I or
the people around here I've known for years and me). SC's friends wouldn't know
me except from what they've heard and it was one of her friends who first got
her convinced that coffee equates sex. So, if there was a relationship between
us, that would be the first knock against it.  How could I ever feel
comfortable around her friends and therefore, comfortable with her? And,
obviously, after her freak out in the Spring, can I ever feel comfortable when I
talk to her?  That's why I stopped with the emails.  Emails are so
unemotional and impersonal that what gets lost is the first thing people react
to and the thing I need from her is another 'reaction.'  And visiting her
office is out of the question.  I felt comfortable there when it was my
office, but the looks from my old co-workers gets to me.  So that was cut
too.  And it was finally at the beginning of My Year that I had
enough balls to simply say, "that's it.  Enough."

And, thus my bad dream is done. On so many levels too.