My Personal Trainer

This is from one of 'My Kids'....

"For my birthday this year, my wife (the dear)
purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. 
Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team, I
decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.  I called
the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who
identified herself as a 26-year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic
clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!
The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress........

Monday: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth
it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is
something of a Greek goddess with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white
smile. Whoo hoo! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. she took my
pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so
fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic outfit. I
enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after
my workout today. Very inspiring. Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was
around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

Tuesday: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air - then she
put weight on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the
full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's
a whole new life for me.

Wednesday: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on
the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or
stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient
with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a
little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds she gets this
nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill,
so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me
it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

Thursday: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being half an
hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out
with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She
sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine which I
sank.

Friday: I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic little
cheerleader.  If there was a part of my body I could move without
unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps.
I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand
me the *&%#(#&**!!  barbells or anything that weighs more than a
sandwich. (which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and
graduated magna cum laude from). The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a
health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the
drama coach or the choir director?

Saturday: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilling voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me
want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to
even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the
Weather Channel.

Sunday: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife (the
bitch) will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root canal or a
vasectomy."

Okay, my personal trainer isn't like that.  Her name isn't Belinda.

This is the week that I've hired a trainer to help get me into shape.  It's
one of the things I've wanted to do for a while now, but haven't been
motivated.  My Year is a different year and damn am I motivated now. 
We met Thursday and went through a diet plan that I pretty much started
immediately.  I'm stubborn as Hell already, though, as she found out when
she said 'skim milk' and I said 'NO.'  She said 'yoghurt' and I said 'NO.'
But she had a good idea about oatmeal for breakfast that I'll try in the
morning... tomorrow is also the start of the physical training.

I'll get back to you on that.