My Poopie Bank

Since taking over the household as the unofficial 'househusband,' I've noticed a bit of a trend with my 15 month old son. I know he gets it from his old man, who is known to spend up to 90 minutes in the can mainly reading but allowing for a few fine bowel movements every day, but this child has an uncanny ability to save his feces for specific times of the day. He's saving it all for me.

With my wife working the odd afternoon shift, he does nothing in his diaper all morning, but once she leaves for work he does his business. With interest.

Let's take today for instance. The boy's been up since about 7 or so and has been clinging to Mommy all morning. I manage to distract him long enough for her to get in the shower, but he's quick to the bathroom door and crying --one of his favorite pasttimes, mind you. He hates it when people walk away and shut a door in front of him. Despite wanting nothing to do with me all morning, the second I step downstairs and shut the gate behind me, he's in tears.

And banging his head against the gate.

I'm downstairs for about an hour --gotta get the eBay stuff going and have 41 scanned images prepped for this evening's auctions. It's a lot of work, but I'm getting it done and getting it organized. And I'm only occasionally interrupted by the boy upstairs. I eventually "have to" head back upstairs and I'm greeted by my boy, my daughter and my father-in-law who's taking her to the airport to pick up grandma this afternoon.

Once everyone's gone from the house, it's time for the boy to have his bottle, then lunch. He slowly and methodically drinks his milk and then takes off running to chase the cats throughout the house. After a few minutes, he realizes that his pushcar is loud enough to scare them into running faster --or at least the attempt to run faster. The beauty of hardwood floors is cats can't get that grip they need to run. So imagine a cat taking off likea bat out of Hell --and only going about a foot and a half. I try to convince him it's time for lunch, but he'd rather play. Fine. He can play and work up his hunger and I'll sit down and watch the news and eat my lunch.

Once he sees someone else eating, the focus shifts from playing to mooching. While he tolerates his own meals, he loves what anyone else is eating. So, instead of his peanut butter and jam sandwich (which normally gets dissected and prodded before all the jam disappears leaving peanut on bread), he takes part in MY peanut butter and jam sandwich. Nice trade-off. The next rule is he sits right beside me in order to eat my lunch. He does and I suddenly realize why the cats are hiding.

This boy has a full diaper. And it's taking no prisoners.

Diapers for toddlers currently going through potty training have an effect where they change color (or logos appear/disappear) when the child has soiled the diaper. This is not true with all diapers, though.

Well, mostly not true. My son does have the ability to change the color of his diaper. And lunch is never the same afterward.

There are quick rules for changing a baby's diaper:

1. Do it quickly and cleanly.
2. Always keep the baby happy so there's no future 'issues' with changing and potty training.
3. Encourage the child's regular bowel movements.

The rules suck.

This is the way the baby gets his diaper changed:

1. Pull out some wipes. 2-4 is usually good and I do stress usually.
2. Unfold the wipes and drape them across the end of the change table.
3. Grab the new diaper and unfold it at the end of the table as well.
4. Give the child a toy or two. Preferrably plastic and hopefully enough of a distraction for a few fleeting moments.
5. Take off the pants.
6. Take off the socks --socks and feces are like birds of feather and he'll always have the uncanny ability to kick into his own nether regions.
7. Try not to focus on the fact you just now realize your child can literally kick their own ass.
8. Check the edge of the diaper to see if any flow-through has occurred. In which case, the pants need to be washed and a replacement pair found.
9. If replacement pants are needed, don't try and match the outfit. You're a father for God's sake, they'll never match.
10. Pull the diaper away from the child's legs. This gives you a 'sneak peek' of the horror you are about to endure.
11. Now the tricky part. In one fluid motion, grab your child by both ankles, raise his bum off the change pad, undo the diaper, pull it away and start throwing wipes toward the butt while keeping one hand arched above the winkie in case it goes off. Remember: one fluid motion. Otherwise prepare for disaster.
12. When wiping, start from the belt line above the butt crack. This is where the feces ends on one side. On the other side it surrounds the 'family jewels', but that's for another wipe.
13. At some point, one leg will get away from you --or his hands make their way down and the poop now spreads along his legs and/or arms. It's on you too, but you're the adult and know not to put your hands in your eyes, ears, mouth AND nose at this juncture. The boy doesn't and will proceed to find every spot on his body that's currently fecal free.
14. That's where wipe #3 comes into play.
15. Wipe #4 is for the change pad because at some point you've lowered the butt onto the pad and any missing poop now transfer from body to pad, doubles in size and reattaches itself to the baby.
16. Vaseline is put on the baby's bottom and spread around. I give the boy a butt paddle to make him laugh (but not too much or the peeing starts).
17. Any excess vaseline on your hands can be wiped onto the new unfolded diaper. Anything else is for later.
18. Attach the new diaper, put the socks back on and pull up the pants. The baby is now ready for their next bowel movement.

Now that the boy is changed, it's time for the rest of his lunch. And a new lesson.

No matter how quick or how how slow it takes to change that diaper, somehow it's enough time for the cats to decide they like peanut butter and jam sandwiches. Both sandwiches are missing.

And the cats are now outside.