The Handyman Can

I once nearly broke my nose while splitting firewood.

I know, it sounds stupid, but it was even more stupid to:
a) be there.
b) be on the receiving end of the blow.

I didn't break my nose, though, but it bled profusely and I'm pretty sure I dinged up the cartilage a bit. What happened was I was using a splitter on a piece of wood. The splitter gets whacked by a a sledge hammer and wedges down and through the piece of wood, splitting it into smaller, more manageable pieces for my woodstove. Only this time the splitter got stuck part way down. Now I can't remember (duh. got hit in the face by a flying log) exactly what happened next, but I think I leaned the wood against another log and whacked the splitter from the side. Only when I did that, the piece literally exploded and a rather large piece flew up and hit me in the face.

Fortunately, my neighbours missed this little incident, but they've been witness to enough of my accidents that I'm sure when they see me walk outside they pull out their lawnchairs and sit for a spell for cheap entertainment.

Wanna know what I mean?

*I once broke the sideview mirror on my car... with my forehead.

It was the day of my high school reunion and I was preoccupied with the event and was quickly cleaning the lines down the side of my car when... WHAMMO! I ran straight into the mirror. I cracked the mirror, but only scratched up my forehead, making it look like I should still be using Oxyclean to clear up the skin.

*I lost the wheel to my lawnmower... while mowing the lawn.

Sure, it was an old lawnmower, so it's only logical that the wheel would fall off eventually. It was just too bad it happened as I was pushing the mower. Because I kept pushing after the wheel fell off and the dirt started spraying in a 10-foot-high arc across my yard.

*I've accidently set my lawnmower on fire... on 3 seperate occasions.

Let this be a lesson to you. Just because the gas is in the tank, if you flip the lawnmower on its' side to clean out clumped, wet grass, then it's going to leak and get into the engine. And the next time you start it up... yeah, it catches on fire.

*I nearly cut the tip of my right index finger off... while putting together a bathroom cabinet.

Yep, you know the most important tool to use when making a cabinet is a knife. The rubbery-plastic trim was difficult to cut because it moved under the pressure of the knife. So, me being the smart one, I put my finger on the other side of the trim. That knife went through the trim like butter! And my poor finger on the other side? Let's just say the blade was in so deep I actually had to force it back out of my finger.

OK, I'm pretty sure that's everything. There's probably a few more that I've forgotten about, but I think this sums up my skills as a handyman.

Stop laughing.