My Answers

Got this email about 'Dear Abby' being stumped to answer
these letter and being the egotistical cynical bastard I am, i thought I'd write
in my answers.  Appearing in bold for everyone's convenience....

LETTERS DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO
ANSWER.

Dear Abby - A couple of women moved in across
the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social
worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've
never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be
Lebanese?

You stupid moron.  Yes, they could be Lebanese, they could be Italian.
Hell, they could be Swedish for God's sake, but WHO CARES???  What you
definitely have across the hall are LESBIANS.  Get to know them. 
You'll thank me later.

Dear Abby - What can I do about all the Sex,
Nudity, Fowl Language and  Violence on My VCR?

Get off your VCR.

 Dear Abby - I have a man I
can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Girl, you cold be right
about this.  There's a very, very good chance this man will not turn out to
be a father to this baby!!

 Dear Abby - I am a twenty-three year old
liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive
and I think my boy friend  should share half the cost, but I don't know him well
enough to discuss money with him.

Well, before giving him the money shot... do you know his name?  I mean,
I realize it's only been 2 years...

 Dear Abby - I've suspected that my husband has
been fooling around, and  when confronted with the evidence, he denied
everything and said it  would never happen again.

Hilary, Bill is right to deny, deny, deny.  Besides, take a look at the
woman you suspect he's been fooling around with.  Ask yourself this: what
are YOU missing out on?  Nothing?  Exactly.

 Dear Abby - Our son writes that he is taking
Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his
own?

As long as he hasn't gone fully into jiu-jitsu, I think you're going to be
fine.  Good Christian boys have a tendency to chop off everything once they
enter into Judo.

 Dear Abby - I joined the Navy to see the
world.  I Seen It.  Now How Do  I get Out?

Can you keep a secret?  Commanding officers are for the lovin'. Go for
it. You'll thank me later.

 Dear Abby - My forty year old son has been
paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He
Must Be Crazy.

Yes, he is crazy, but it runs in the family --so he's been asked to pay
your fees as well.  Deal with it.

 Dear Abby - I was married to Bill for three
months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.


Well, if you're actually upset by this, my recommendation is to find a
lawyer who offers a free keg with every divorce.  Or learn to drink
yourself.

 Dear Abby - My mother is mean and short
tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.

Mental pause? So am I, lad. So am I. Now screw off.

 Dear Abby - You told some woman whose husband
had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all
interest in sex and he is a doctor.  Now, What Do I Do?

Get a second opinion!  Seriously people, you all need help and
writing letters just ain't gonna cut it!

--Hairyhoser.