My Avian Flu

I've had 2 friends who owned chickens and have had them killed to try and
stop the spread the avian flu virus.  It wasn't their choice to have them
killed, but they are going to get compensation from the government for the
deaths of their birds.  For one, it's sad, but they're being compensated
fairly.  For the other, there's problems abound with insurance as their
birds were show birds and used regularly for breeding (sorry, I can't use 'stud'
and 'chicken' in the same paragraph --and yes, I know a stud chicken [dammit!]
is in fact a rooster).  Their birds are worth tens of thousands of dollars
and they'll be lucky to get a few hundred dollars from the government.

The latest news about the avian flu, is of course that it's spread beyond the
'containment zone' where they've been killing (and plan on killing up to)
19,000,000 birds.  Nineteen million birds.  And the virus continues to
spread and has now affected 29 poultry farms.

I have 2 thoughts here.  The first one, is a little ignorance on my part,
but it's something I thought might be a bit freaky.  Having lived near a
goose farm when  was a little boy, I remember how loud they were during the
day.  Yes, eventually I got used to the noise and it pretty much became a
regular 'hum' during the summer days when I'd be playing outside.  I can't
recall if I could hear them in the house, but I'm sure there were times I could.
Now imagine actually living on a poultry farm.  It's gotta be noisy. 
Sure, they're used to it, but imagine what the farm sounds like the day after
the government has come in and asphyxiated your flock. 

Dead silence.

Freaky.  May not be true and I'm sure there's sound filters and blockers
put in place years ago and now there's just empty shells of buildings.  I
know one of my friends has gone into their coop and lifted nests and searched
the entire building "just in case" they missed one and they still have
a chicken on their property.

My second thought is the latest news report about the farm about 40km from the
containment zone.  Government officials are baffled with the latest
infection.  One official thinks it's because they haven't been able to ship
out the carcasses to incinerators and that's making the virus
spread.   have another idea, though:

Birds fly.  And you can't kill every bird.

My Sasquatch Hunter

Kokanee Beer has a great ad campaign about two forest rangers trying their
best to catch a Sasquatch in the Kootenay Mountain region.  they never
quite catch it, but profess their tireless vigilance (while the Sasquatch raids
the Kokanees in their fridge) and continue to practise their hunting skills with
one of them dressed up like Bigfoot.

The latest commercial has three hotties sign up to assist in the hunt.  As
the three women walk into the cabin, the head ranger (who looks just like a
Mountie I know) says, "ding dong."

The only commercial I've found online is this one.

Now, one of the hotties in the commercial I'm talking 'bout looks very much like
'Alberta,' one of My Kids here at work.  Alberta is a hottie, that is to be
sure.  in fact, most of the guys around here ask me questions about her
everyday.  I've been forced into a paternal role just to make sure she's
safe from these guys (in other words, I'd never let my daughter date a guy like
this, so I'm not going to let them near 'Alberta.')  But yes, she's hot and
the one who started this whole 'Naughty Thursday' thing which was way too
distracting.  So, I've started bugging her about the commercial and when
she walks into the office, I lean over and say "ding dong."

I can't tell if she hates it, though.

My Hours

I haven't worked enough with the new guy to see if there's anything making
him into another Co-worker from Hell.  fortunately for him, Drama Queen is
filling up the void with the absence of Whiner.

Yesterday was one of the most annoying days in weeks as I had several projects
on the go and DQ was over my shoulder on most of them. Even worse, though, was
she kept going on and on about things that I think are confidential... and she's
telling anyone who'll stop and listen.  My boss is back today and since my
talk with her fell on the usual deaf ears, I'm going to have to step up to the
plate and deal directly with him on the issue.  It's not the first time
there's been confidential information leaked out of the office.  We had one
person 'let go' a few months back and Whiner & DQ would gab about it in
front of anyone.  I knew about 3 weeks before either one of them, but it's confidential
which I think the Co-workers From Hell might only understand if my boss ended
each sentence with "Now, shut the fuck up about this, okay?"

The ultimate aggravation came in the early afternoon when my boss called into
the office.  He was talking to me about the Canucks' painful 4-0 loss to
the Flames (his favourite team) and aid he had a few things to talk to me about
and then asked to speak to DQ.  I hand the phone over and she has a quick
talk where she's getting more and more excited and then hangs up the
phone.  

She hung up the phone.

He wants to talk to me again, but she hangs up on him.  Gah!  Then she
starts in one what he wanted to talk to her about.  He's got extra tickets
for the Canucks game at GM Place tonight.  Extra tickets.  Un-fucking
believable.

She hung up the phone and he wanted to talk to me again.  He has extra
tickets for the game tonight.

I'm trying desperately to get through to his cell, but it either goes dead or
straight to his voicemail.  By my third attempt to call him, she's already
told a dozen people how she's going to the game tonight and I'm not and I start
envisioning what the phone cord look like wrapped around her neck... and her big
fat head turns blue.

Dare to dream...

I never did get a hold of my boss yesterday.  He's coming in today and
we'll talk then and, boy, do we have a list of things to talk about.

My Moose

I don't know if there are any Vancouver Canucks fans out there, but I had to
do my "selfish bastard" thing for the day.  With Dan Cloutier
injured and Johan Hedberg now in goal presumably for the rest of the playoffs,
it's time to don the moose antlers.



They're available online at www.moosehockey.com. 
Only $3.99 a... pair.

My Anniversary

I came to the realization over the weekend that it's pretty much a year since
Sex Caffeine & I had our big blowout.  What an anniversary.  I
remembered because it was around Easter last year that my brain finally kicked into
gear for the first time in who knows how long and I could acknowledge that she
& I had gotten too close and it could've cost us dearly.  As it was,
our friendship was pretty much out the window (which hurt as well) and I wasn't
sure if I'd ever see her again.  She'd left work to go elsewhere (which as
I'd learn was partial to why she got so upset with me in the first place) and
there were no signs of her coming back.  She did come back, though. 
She was back in July --only gone for a few months as it turned out.

After that, it was nearly back to where we were before.  Not exactly the
same spot as I was much more alert to any potential problems and when it looked
like it was going that way again, I backed off.

I started a game of cat and mouse.  I tried my best to stay out of her way
and hoped she stayed out of mine.  I focused on me instead and as of
Christmas broke off any contact whatsoever.  It lasted until late February.

Yep, we're talking again.  Had 3 emails from her last week and she was
wondering why I hadn't attended a meeting we were both supposed to be at. 
I was busy elsewhere and made it in time for the pizza lunch.  We both had
another meeting to be at that afternoon and we were both at that one.  I talked
to her for a few minutes before the meeting started and she commented on sending
me an email which I hadn't replied to.  Again, busy elsewhere, but I think
there was a bit of surprise since I'm usually pretty quick to respond to
messages.

So, yeah, there's still a bit of a game happening, but not nearly the same as
before.  I'll admit to being a little worried.  My marriage is
deteriorating and I find myself thinking about SC more often than I did in
previous months. 

If something changes in my life and I find myself no longer married, I'm hoping
I can resist talking to SC for a while just to alleviate any pressure.  Of
course, my other concern is: what happens if she finds someone else?  I
feel like I'm in high school again and thinking such childish thoughts.  I
just have to keep reminding myself how I felt a year ago.  That'll bring me
down again.

My 96 Hours

It was Easter weekend and for me it was a 4-day weekend.  I felt a
little embarrassed because I'd been making lunch plans with an old friend (I
call her 'Bean' and I have no idea why) and not paying attention to the fact
that it was Good Friday.  Her reply to my lunch emails were "Dedicated
worker you may be, but no one else will be here on the holiday.  Good
point.  I'm so used to 6-day work weeks (which are a no-no around here)
that a 4-day work week and then a 4-day weekend is... well... flabbergasting.

My biggest concern over the weekend, though, was being at home.  Every
weekend for the past few months my wife & I have gotten into a huge
argument.  The previous weekend we fought about the 5-minutes I wanted to
spend at a party to get some kudos for the work I've been doing for the past
year.  I didn't happen and I was mad.  This weekend, being a long
weekend, we started early.  Like 10 o'clock Friday morning.  My wife
insisted I go and shower because she wanted to get out of the house and go for a
walk (read: get away from the kids).  So, off I go and shower.  When I
get out of the shower, I quickly shave and brush my teeth and get dressed. 
I walk into my son's room and my wife is holding him and crying. 
Why?  Because it took me 25 minutes to shower, shave and get dressed and
now she "can't go for a walk."  I looked at her, half in shock
and half exasperated and simply said, "Yes you can.  Go." 
and promptly took my son into the living room.  It was 20 minutes 'til his
scheduled feeding time, so she had plenty of time to go for a walk and I'm perfectly
capable of feeding my son.  Only now I'm thinking she doesn't think I am
capable of doing it. So we fight.  She eventually goes for her walk and
everything is fine with me feeding my son and taking care of my daughter. 
But now I'm antsy about the way my wife is acting.

The fighting continued throughout the day.  We argued about different
things and I tried my best to avoid her.  I took my daughter with me when I
went to pick up a few things.  I decided she & I could also go get some
more fish for our rain barrel since my last ones died a few weeks ago
(ironically just after I quizzed people on how old my oldest 17-cent fish was...
5 years and then he died too).  We bought 7 new fish and I let her pick
them out.  Cost us a whopping $2.48.  Too bad they didn't last 12
hours.  Yep, they all died overnight.

Back to the arguments.  After spending the afternoon with my daughter,
somehow it was interpreted as ignoring my wife.  I went down and bought a
pizza for dinner (wanted to watch the hockey playoffs in relative peace). 
My daughter decided she didn't want to eat more than half a slice of pizza and
the rule is "nothing else until you finish dinner."  She asked
for a sandwich and while my wife was ignoring her (she said no the first few
times), I finally told her outright that she wasn't having anything else to eat
until she finished the slice of pizza.  My wife responds, "Why don't
you just let her have a sandwich?"

Oog.  Somehow I became the villain.  I made my daughter a sandwich and
before my wife could complain about it (I knew she would), I grabbed my dinner
and headed downstairs to watch the hockey game.  I could care less about
talking to my wife for the rest of the weekend. 

And it was only Friday of a 4-day weekend.  96 hours....

My Idiot

F-Bomb, now known as DQ (Drama Queen), really stepped in it yesterday. 
As annoyed as she is about the whole DQ thing, my boss started, she decided to
take it out on me, blaming me for the nickname --I guess because I got it right
away when my boss started calling her by it.

With the new guy starting, DQ complained about there now being "too many
penises" in the department.

My response: "What? Four?

So, it was off to the Harassment Office we went.  DQ took my response to
mean that I considered her to be a lesbian or at the very least, more male than
female.  Not so.

In fact, I was quite correct in my statement. There's my boss, me, the new guy,
and one of My Kids --ironically, his nickname is "Mr. Weenie."

So, in conclusion, now everyone is questioning how big an idiot DQ actually is. 
To me, there seems to be no end in sight.

My Hero

This, apparently, is me:

Alrighty then? Wanna learn who your hero is? www.liquidgeneration.com

My Answers

Got this email about 'Dear Abby' being stumped to answer
these letter and being the egotistical cynical bastard I am, i thought I'd write
in my answers.  Appearing in bold for everyone's convenience....

LETTERS DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO
ANSWER.

Dear Abby - A couple of women moved in across
the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social
worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've
never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be
Lebanese?

You stupid moron.  Yes, they could be Lebanese, they could be Italian.
Hell, they could be Swedish for God's sake, but WHO CARES???  What you
definitely have across the hall are LESBIANS.  Get to know them. 
You'll thank me later.

Dear Abby - What can I do about all the Sex,
Nudity, Fowl Language and  Violence on My VCR?

Get off your VCR.

 Dear Abby - I have a man I
can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Girl, you cold be right
about this.  There's a very, very good chance this man will not turn out to
be a father to this baby!!

 Dear Abby - I am a twenty-three year old
liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive
and I think my boy friend  should share half the cost, but I don't know him well
enough to discuss money with him.

Well, before giving him the money shot... do you know his name?  I mean,
I realize it's only been 2 years...

 Dear Abby - I've suspected that my husband has
been fooling around, and  when confronted with the evidence, he denied
everything and said it  would never happen again.

Hilary, Bill is right to deny, deny, deny.  Besides, take a look at the
woman you suspect he's been fooling around with.  Ask yourself this: what
are YOU missing out on?  Nothing?  Exactly.

 Dear Abby - Our son writes that he is taking
Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his
own?

As long as he hasn't gone fully into jiu-jitsu, I think you're going to be
fine.  Good Christian boys have a tendency to chop off everything once they
enter into Judo.

 Dear Abby - I joined the Navy to see the
world.  I Seen It.  Now How Do  I get Out?

Can you keep a secret?  Commanding officers are for the lovin'. Go for
it. You'll thank me later.

 Dear Abby - My forty year old son has been
paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He
Must Be Crazy.

Yes, he is crazy, but it runs in the family --so he's been asked to pay
your fees as well.  Deal with it.

 Dear Abby - I was married to Bill for three
months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.


Well, if you're actually upset by this, my recommendation is to find a
lawyer who offers a free keg with every divorce.  Or learn to drink
yourself.

 Dear Abby - My mother is mean and short
tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.

Mental pause? So am I, lad. So am I. Now screw off.

 Dear Abby - You told some woman whose husband
had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all
interest in sex and he is a doctor.  Now, What Do I Do?

Get a second opinion!  Seriously people, you all need help and
writing letters just ain't gonna cut it!

--Hairyhoser.

My Applause Revisited

Now that I think about it, my boss asked for everyone to hold their applause
until after he'd introduced and thanked the 3 of us.  Since I was called up
first, everyone did applaud and each and every team shouted out the nicknames
they've given me over the past year.  Each team has given me at least 2
nicknames and with the number of teams --it's a lot of names to respond to. 
But Whiner and DQ don't have any nicknames.  They're called by their actual
names.  I get that too, but usually it's my nicknames getting shouted
across campus.  Sweet.

I take that as a sign that I'm the one they like best and when I'm feeling like
being a selfish prick I can always look back on that and be proud.  Why? 
Cuz I'm "the dawg," the "sugar daddy," "the diva," and so many others I can't
mention.

My Thankless Tasks

One of the things that I've been getting tired of is doing a bunch of work
and getting no kudos for it.  It's been years since it felt like I had any
type of positive feedback from people and that's why one of My Resolutions this
year was to be a selfish prick.  Asking my help for things this year are
much more difficult than in years' past.

We had a thing on Friday night (which I really didn't want to go to, but thought
about dealing with my wife all weekend and how much easier that may be if I
succumb and go to church with her on a Friday night.  Of course, I was more
than a little pissed when most people didn't show because of the hockey game. 
How did I forget about the hockey game!?!?!?!  Whatever the case, I was
there and after a while "accusation #1" came to the forefront.

I wasn't volunteering to help out with the kids in the nursery.

See, it used to be that we could take our kids to the church nursery and either
leave them there or stay there with them (and depending on how they were acting,
it could go either way).  Now, we need to go through a criminal record
check, attend a class on spotting abused children, and fill out a dozen or so
forms in order to "volunteer" our time.

I don't have time for all of that.

So, I opted not to volunteer anymore.  And now I'm labeled a very mean
person for not taking the time to help out.  Screw 'em.

In all the years I've put into the church, I've received a 'thank you' once. 
And that was for contributing to the finance committee.  Honestly, I think
they thanked me because I told them that being on a board with so many
indecisive people drove me crazy.  Not once was I thanks for the Saturday
mornings I'd get up at 5 to cook breakfast for 40-50 men.  Not once was I
thanks for the year I taught Sunday school.  Not once was I thanked for the
hours I put in at the nursery or on the board.  Not once.

And now they have the gall to be mad at me for not volunteering.  Like I
said: screw 'em.  I'm burnt out and have more than enough.

I've stated in numerous blogs before that being a father and a husband is a
thankless task and that there's no way around it, but last night was a killer
and I'm not talking to my wife right now.  It was the big year end banquet
for my department and my boss asked DQ (aka F-Bomb), Whiner and I to stand and
be thanked for the work we've put in over the past year.  I was a little
embarrassed because he asked me to stand first in front of the 200+ people. 
DQ had already complained about me "sucking up" to my boss when he asked me to
be his "go-to-guy" for the evening, while the two of them had several tasks
outlined weeks ago for them to take care of.  Whiner was smart enough to
figure out that it's not really sucking up if your boss ASKS YOU to do something
and you do it.  It's called DOING YOUR JOB.  Anyway, we all stood and
got our applause for our work and that was all good and well.  The party
itself, however, was scheduled for right after the banquet and my wife refused
to let me go ---even for a 5-minute "appearance."  I could only go if I
"got a drink to go" and let her drive home.  So, instead of 5 minutes to go
over to the party and get a couple of slaps on the back as a 'thank you' form
all the kids I've been working with over the past year, I left.  And for
the next few weeks, I have to explain to each and every one of them why I wasn't
there.  That's 200+ people who are going to ask.

And 5 minutes would've made us all happy.

My Drama Queen

Okay, so my boss has decided that F-Bomb will now be known as 'DQ' or 'Drama
Queen.'  It's perfect.  For every "f--- off!" that comes out of her
mouth, there's also a bit of stress and drama behind it.  And the only
reason we're being told to f--- off is because we're making fun of her and her
antics.

I acknowledged to my boss yesterday that she & I are polar opposites --and with
Whiner leaving in a week that means the new guy has a role to fill pretty much
immediately.  See, any little thing to DQ is a catastrophe.  We had
some sound problems while setting up for the banquet yesterday and she was ready
to call in the army to get things fixed.  Not looks at the equalizer and
adjust the controls or anything...  My boss & I were up and down ladders
hanging banners for our big banquet dinner and although I'd been on the more
rickety ladder (he & I were convinced one leg was shorter than the other 3), DQ
gasped and flustered when she saw my boss leaning off the ladder to hook some
fishing line over a frame --about 6 feet off the stage.  "Keep it cool, DQ!"
he shouted and as she turned away with her usual stressed out face, he stepped
down 2 rungs, turned and jumped to the stage.

BOOM!

DQ actually screamed and the rest of us had a good laugh.  She now
officially hates him.  I love it.

My Hairy Nipple Lumps

My sister-in-law is, well, well-endowed.  Oh yeah.  WELL
endowed.  She's not what I'd consider attractive, physically or
mentally.  She fits in well with my wife's family (despite marrying into
it) because she too is so indecisive.  Regardless, she doesn't have
boobs. 

No, no.  They're bOObs. 
They're really big.

And, naturally, my daughter is observant.  She's drawing a picture to send
to them fro Easter and she's only 4 so people are still...roughly... stick
people.  The heads are getting into shape and so, apparently, are the
boobs.  My wife questioned what the circles were on "Auntie" and
my daughter replied, "they're her nipple lumps... under her
dress."  So, after a few tears and giggles, she added "hers are
big, much bigger than Mommy's.  Daddy's got hairy nipple lumps.

I'm thinking I have to create a mix drink now and call it Hairy Nipple Lump.

Sound delicious?

My Reaction

Well, day one with the new potential CFH (Co-worker From Hell)
actually went quite well.  I told my boss that I has quite pleased I got to
corrupt the new guy first.  I trust that Whiner and F-Bomb did a marvellous
job of de-training him once I left for the day.  In fact, the half-hour
that Whiner was here for the training, she showed how to stand a round and call
people and not leave messages.  Brilliant!  I hadn't thought to add
that to the training list.

I've been told by a few people that I'll have to observe things for a few days,
so we'll see.  We'll see.  One of my old supervisors pulled him aside
and told him to watch what he says around here "with all the young
impressionable ladies" which goes right in line with the things I've heard
to watch for.  Naturally, one of the kids acts up and refers these two
women coming in for a meeting with my boss by saying, "he was expecting two
sexy ladies."  Jesus, you could hear the sonic boom of the sexual harassment
suit getting slapped on us.

As if that wasn't bad enough, people decided yesterday was the most opportune
time to bring up the rumoured affair I had with SC.  Bad enough to bring it
up in front of people who know NOTHING about it, but there were others (some of
whom I've worked with in the past) walking by at the time.  I cleared my
throat to strike the 'conversation' and besides stopping the conversation. 
It stopped every single person in their tracks.  Now, that is a
hint.