My Problem Solved

How many variations did we actually try to fix my computer? 20? 30?

Whatever. The problem looks like it's finally solved and I need a new motherboard. A techie at the company where I originally bought the computer emailed me to ask if my 'processors were burnt out. Now, before sending an email telling him that I was completely burnt out, I checked the processors on my motherboard (they look like batteries standing on end) and lo and behold --5 of them were completely thrashed. My super-genius friend then said over the phone, "I never would have thought to look at those. I've never seen that happen."

That's me. I make the impossible happen.

I've now ordered my new motherboard and I should be computer-savvy again within the week. I hope.