Birthday Boy

This is the 4th year in a row I've turned 29... That means I can officially add 'dammit' to the end of "I'm 29."

I'm 29, dammit.

See?

It works.

I realize some of you are now doing the math and thinking "33?" Nope. I turned 29. Then I turned 29 again, then again, and then one more time (at least) just to make sure I have the right age.

29.

Dammit.

My birthday started out with the usual traffic reporter on the radio giving the "all clear on all routes" announcement, which somehow automatically adds 25-30 minutes to the commute.

Sure enough, I didn't get another 10 blocks before coming across a 20-minute wait as a motorhome had managed to block 2 lanes of commuter traffic at 7am. NOT the best way for tourists to be introduced to the city, eh?

Today was life drawing in the morning and is it too much to ask for a female model on my birthday?

Yes. It was the same guy we had a few weeks ago, but before I had a chance to blurt out "Seen it!", one classmate waited until the model had stripped down to the bare essentials to announce it was my birthday and everyone should sing for me.

Why the naked guy in the middle of the room felt compelled to sing-a-long, I have no idea. He must be really comfortable around us....

I've ranted before about people asking me for gift ideas and when I give them an idea in their price range and everything, they go out and get me something either:
a - crappy
or
b - useless

Sure, it's the thought that counts. But when they give it to me and say "You're hard to buy for!", then I get annoyed because I know they were in the store and thought "Screw it. He'll like these pot holders!"

I remember when I was a pre-teen, people would usually buy me clothes because they couldn't think of a good toy (what!?!) for me, or --once they heard I was interested in comics, they'd got ot the store and buy a copy of A-Team #3 or Prince Namor #4 and give those to me.

"You're hard to buy for!"

Years ago, I told my wife that a really cool Christmas present would be the Beatles Anthology. It was (at the time) in our price range for gifts, so I thought I'd take the chance. I guess she got confused (that lower IQ score on the test...) and instead of music by John Lennon, I got music by:
1. John Madgett
2. John McDermott.

I have no idea what John Madgett plays --his is still in the original plastic. McDermott plays Celtic music and his version of 'Danny Boy' can make you weepy.

But then, so can John Madgett's entire CD when you're expecting the Beatles....

My in-laws are famous for buying me strange things. An axe (they wrapped it). A Canadian Tire semi-truck model. A $25 gift card to Linens 'n Things... don't ask.

My wife's brother and his wife aren't much better. One year they asked me what my favorite movies were out of a list and they checked off all my favorites and left 'Planet of the Apes' blank. So, they sent me Planet of the Apes and Fellowship of the Ring (which I'd just told them we'd purchased the big-box collector's set...). The next year, when I said "send me a gift certificate!", they instead sent me a Scooby Doo t-shirt.

Size small.

So, this year, I'm looking through a flyer and see a store has the Simpson's season 1 DVD set on sale for (get this!) $17!! "Ooh!" I exclaim, "What a great price! I'd love to have that!" My wife looks at me and asks, "Is that a good birthday present for you?" It's a great present, I tell her, but I also scoff and let her know I won't hold my breath --still waiting for that Beatles Anthology from, what? Ten years ago, now?

More on that in sec.

My mother, bless her heart, learned many years ago (when I was 19, dammit) that the ideal gift for me is some cash and an opportunity to spend it. How did she learn this lesson?



Oh yes! Go-go-go Joseph! 3rd row, baby. Ninety-seven bucks to sit and watch Donny Osmond with his sweet mullet dance for a "salivating" crowd.

Donny? Ever wonder who the guy was with major scowl on his face from curtain rise to the second encore when he finally just gave you the finger and stormed out?

Yep, that was me.

So, Mom's learned. This year, initially, it was going to be a copy of "Grand Theft Auto - San Andreas," but the game was pulled from shelves before I --or she-- picked it up. I did get a copy eventually, but I still had $100 to spend on my own.

So, what to get the guy who's so difficult to shop for? With $100 from Mom:
1. Ice Age DVD --great for me and the kids. They can watch it and not scream at each other for 90 minutes (greatest gift ever!). I can also use it for school purposes by studying the animation techniques and storyboards.
2. A $5 computer game to distract the kids.
3. A box of cookies. Happy kids = happy Daddy.
4. Lunch for my wife & I.
5. A used copy (they do exist!) of Dan Brown's Da Vinci Code.
6. A haircut.
7. A new set of pencils for school.

So, too difficult to buy for... Imagine my shock as I open my first gift from my wife. Feels like a book. Weighs more like a book than a DVD... but maybe a DVD box set?

I tear off a strip of wrapping paper.

Matt Groening characters strike out from the gift inside!

Excitedly, I can't wait!

I tear off the wrapping paper with so much anticipation!

she did it!

She did it!!

She...



DAMMIT!!!

One of these years.... one of these years, she'll finally get it! She'll finally understand my frustration!

ONE!
OF!
THESE!
YEARS!!!!!

Maybe when I'm 29.

Dammit.